Mommy Moments

Whenever my mom would have a slip in memory or do something clumsy, she would call them "senior moments"... well, I'm having Mommy Moments. These are the moments when the lack of sleep gets to me and my mushy brain just does not compute. I had some whoppers with William... the best being the day I had to dumpster dive with for my keys. I had arrived at work at some god-awful hour and I parked right next to the little area where they had our huge trash and recycling dumpsters. In one hand I had some cardboard to recycle, in the other... my keys. I threw with the wrong hand and as my keys left my hand, life went into slow motion. I watched the keys arc in perfect rainbow fashion into the dumpster and stared in horror at the cardboard I was still clutching. I then dropped the cardboard and (now keep in mind I was in a skirt and heels) used my gymnastics training to retrieve my keys. You know when a gymnast "mounts" the lower of the parallel bars by popping herself up on her arms and resting her hips against the bars? Well, when they do a little flip around that same bar, it's called a hip circle and it took me forever to master. Not this day, kids... I popped myself up onto the edge of that dumpster, did a perfect half-hip circle so that my head was now down in the dumpster and my feet were sticking up in the air (I can't imagine what this would have looked like to a passer-by). I found those keys by god and laughed the rest of the day. My gymnastics coach would have been proud!

Well, despite the fact that Elizabeth is now "sleeping through the night" (this is what it's called if your newborn sleeps for 6 or more hours at a stretch), I am very low on sleep and energy. Thus... I am having more mommy moments. To whit: here are some of my best...

#1 - where the f@#! are my keys! - this is a frequent occurance as I am now travelling with a diaper bag and often 1-2 other bags full of clothes, buckets, trucks, food, etc. when I take the kids to the park so we can have lunch there. I'm often tossing my keys into the nearest bag where they disappear into an abyss only to be found after dumping ALL the bags in my possession as the common "shake and listen" method never seems to locate the damn things. The best one was at a baseball practice for William where I had to bring Elizabeth because I had no one to watch her and Mike came along to watch/help. We ended up combing the grassy area where the practice was, peeking in all the windows of my Escape, patting me down like a terrorist attempting to breach airport security and finally dumping the entire contents of the diaper bag (while yelling at each other) before locating the keys.

#2 - this goes where? - I am constantly misplacing common items or doing what I did with the keys and cardboard in my initial story. One day as I stomped angrily through my kitchen convinced that Mike had totally lost it (you notice I cannot yet accept that I'm a moron right now), I finally realized why I couldn't find the milk. I had placed it in the pantry and put the cereal in the refrigerator. I've also been known in recent days to put a dirty diaper in my purse, William's sock in my bathroom sink, forget that I've already buckled Elizabeth in her carseat and instead stare in a panic at her empty swing wondering if she's suddenly learned to walk, leave my dog outside all night because I've forgotten that I let her out, gotten two speeding tickets in the EXACT SAME SPOT within 6 months of each other, pack a "picnic" with just bread and mayonnaise because I forgot the turkey at home, and put hand soap on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. Man, no wonder sleep deprivation is a common element of torture.

#3 - are you drunk? - I have (a few times now) been SO tired, that I lose the ability to complete a sentence. I have found myself, on a number of occasions, attempting to talk to someone on the phone or in person, only to find that I'm slurring, stuttering and just plain rambling incoherently like a drunkard due to lack of sleep. The most recent time I did this, I was on the phone with my friend Jerrod who pointed out that perhaps driving and talking on a cell phone in a construction area with two small children in the car was not the brightest move if I was too tired to even complete a simple sentence. Yeah, yeah... what does he know?

#4 - the nod off - I am constantly nodding off now due to my extreme exhaustion. the sad part is, is that I often do this either A) while nursing Elizabeth and find myself drooping on to her or B) while attempting to watch something with William or read him a story. It is so sad when you're tired enough to fall asleep mid-sentence in a Curious George book or when your 3 your old has to bump you and say, "mommy... you're snoring!" Elizabeth, at least, just sort of squeals at me indignantly when I nod off and slump onto her. I'm sure if she could talk she'd say, "hey lady, I asked you to feed me, not suffocate me!" My poor kids.

It's funny... I used to laugh at my mom because she'd fall asleep the minute she sat down and could never stay awake long enough to finish a movie or even a 1/2 hour sitcom. Well, Karma's a bitch kids... because that's me now. I'm lucky if these days I make it past the opening credits if Mike and I pop in a movie.

Speaking of sleep, perhaps I should get some. God knows what I'll do tomorrow in my sleepy stupor if I don't.