So JUST as I was planning this blog of my own called "Moments", another blogger (and friend and better writer than I) posted one called "Those Moments" about the moments in the day that make motherhood. I laughed. This woman, whom I only know online (she is the wife of a high school classmate of mine) is truly somehow my other half, my long distance BFF and someone who truly understands where I come from. I couldn't believe we were blogging the same thing at about the same time. I nearly decided to just skip this blog, but instead I dedicate it to her. Erika... this one's for you! (check out her honest take on life & motherhood at http://storyofaho.blogspot.com/).
Erika wrote hers because she often has others asking (and finds herself asking well... herself) why she had 4 kids. I came up with mine as I realized that, while my blog is often humorous (or intended to be), it is also often about the negative. The struggles, the uh-oh, the vomiting, the potty training, etc. It might make one think I don't like this little adventure called Motherhood that I've embarked on.
On the contrary, kids, I actually do LOVE this little adventure. Do I find myself asking, "why the h@#! did I do this?" from time to time? Yes. Do I often wonder if I have the emotional, mental and physical wherewithall to handle this job? Of course. But there are those moments folks, those moments that make it all worth it. You know the ones... if you froze them they'd look like moments from those feel-good family movies that you watch and think, "RIIIIIIIIIGHT, parenthood is really like that". The boy and his dad at a baseball game, the family laughing together at breakfast not a single damn hair out of place and everyone ready for school, the beach trip in perfect late-afternoon sunshine, even the supposed "horrible" moments like the mom and dad shooting eachother knowing looks over a vomiting child. Those moments. They happen and I don't want to forget them, because they are beautiful and they make this whole trip worth it.
There were a couple moments just recently where I actually stopped and thought about it. Both happened just this weekend... one with each kid.
The first was Saturday morning. It was William's first Duck football game. I cried folks, I seriously did. It was such a sweet moment. William (who is now old enough to be disappointed not to join Daddy and Pop Pop at Ducks games) has been asking when he can go to one. So this past weekend my father-in-law decides to skip the game and despite non-stop rain and recovering from surgery, Mike decides to ask William if he'd like to go to a Duck game. The look of joy, amazement and disbelief on my son's face was one I'll never forget. He was SO anxious to go that he asked about every 1/2 hour if it was time to go yet. When they did finally get ready to leave he was perfect... going potty, putting on his socks and shoes and all politeness. Then seeing the two of them, all "Ducked" out (complete with hats & ponchos), William with his Duck Lips noisemaker around his neck, hand-in-hand, leaving the house together just reduced me to tears. I hear them walking to the car and William saying, "yeah Dad! We'll have a Dude's Day. Just you & me." It KILLED me. I wanted to freeze time right there, a boy and his dad holding hands. It was beautiful.
The second moment was Saturday night. It was when Elizabeth (one might think this was a negative, but it wasn't) started getting sick. Elizabeth is an EXCELLENT sleeper, has been since she was 3 months old. She goes to sleep and STAYS that way. But Saturday night, something happened. I think it was a combination of teething and starting to get sick, because she usually sleeps even when she's sick. But on Saturday night she woke up 5 TIMES. FIVE. I would have normally been exhausted and thus annoyed, but for some reason I found myself thankful for the time to comfort her instead. She's 18 months old now and growing out of that stage where she likes to be held for any length of time. And LONG before her brother did, she grew out of the need to hold onto/sleep on mom when she feels ill. So this night, each time she woke, I found her wanting to just be in my arms and I really didn't mind the lack of sleep. The first time she woke, I was so taken aback by her wanting to be held and rocked, that I found myself crying as I held and sang her back to sleep. It took me back to when she was a tiny baby. When I held her so much and how warm and sweet it was to fall asleep together, even if it was sitting up in a rocking chair. I found myself missing those moments and even crying at the joyful thought that my sister is going to do this sometime soon as she is due with her first in November. Elizabeth's soft snoring, her looking up at me while I sang and her eyes sloooowly drooping closed while her little hand gripped my arm was just too much. The fact that something so simple as holding and singing to her (with my crappy voice) is enough to make her feel better is amazing to me. It makes me love being a mom. It made me cry. Chalk it up to hormones, lack of sleep, whatever... I'll chalk it up to loving a moment alone with my daughter, late at night, sitting in a rocking chair, holding on to each other, just the two of us breathing together.
There have been other moments, ones I wish I'd recorded. The impromptu dinner at the little league field with William as we ate corn dogs and watched about 2 1/2 little league games while the sun set. Watching William settle into his spot at the playdough table at preschool, suddenly completely unaware of us watching him as he introduced himself to other kids. The first mommy & me swim class with Elizabeth when she laid back in the water and just let me float her in a circle. Running through the neighbor's sprinklers with my kids in the wagon on the way home from the park because they were shooting over the sidewalk and I knew it would make them both laugh. Hearing Elizabeth's first unprompted "wa oooh" (love you) from her crib as I left her room at night. The perfect afternoon at the park with my husband, sister and brother-in-law where William decided that standing on top of the hill, picking flowers and watching the little league kids play ball was way better than the slides. The impromptu rush into the waves with William in Santa Monica although we had no dry clothes to change in to and it was cold as the sun set. Elizabeth walking over to William's room, pounding on the door and shouting "BUBBA!" to wake up her brother because she wanted to play with him.
Those are the moments folks. The moments you remember when the s@#! hits the fan. When you're tired, when the kids are sick, when no one naps, when you wonder if you're doing an okay job, when you can't stand repeating directions for the 100th time, when the day is too full of time outs... those are the moments you have to remember. It will all go too fast. It will all fade away and change. But those moments will make it all worth it. Those moments are why we're here... or at least why I am. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Here we go again...
So I've discovered, like I did with William, that apparently I'm just a different creature as a mother. I do things at different times or in different ways than most moms and I get some very curious looks/comments because of it. But this is me, I can't help it. No one gave me a manual on raising kids... so I'm going with what I know. But I'm starting to wonder... am I doing this wrong? Am I too harsh? Will I turn my children into stressed out little perfectionists like myself? Hmmmm. Not sure. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Who knows.
You see, Elizabeth (at 18 months) has hit a very crucial age (at least to me) for some beginner discipline and manners training. But I see other parents looking at me (and some even braving a comment) as though I've sprouted another head or come from another planet.
Case in point: the table. We eat at our table and we eat together. No toys, no "walking while grazing"... we sit and eat together as a family. This doesn't mean we don't laugh, have fun or talk to each other. Dinner is lively in our house and I love it this way. However, this is not an easy concept to teach to an 18 month old, but we did it with William and have been pleased with the results, so I'm starting with Elizabeth. When she is finished, she already knows to say "down please" if she wants to be excused. She used to be able to get down as soon as she was finished and said this magic phrase, but now I answer with "not yet, we're eating as a family." When we did this with William, it took a week of him screaming at the table for 20-30 minutes and then he got it. He now NEVER gets down until he is excused. So far, Elizabeth is showing some discomfort, but no screaming. However, I was at our local indoor-playground (necessary in Oregon) co-op and did this and was greeted with some very unusual looks by two other parents who were in the snack room with me. Now... I am not judging their own method/timing in table manners; to each his own. But one parent actually "huffed" a little and said, "at this point I'm just letting her (her daughter who is 22 months old) walk around and eat because there is no point in making them sit." I merely responded with, "ah, well we just decided we were going to start working on the staying-at-the-table thing now since we did with her brother and after a week of him screaming, he's been great, so we're ready to make the same sacrifice with her." Now, I did not say this defensively or like my idea was better. I love hearing different ideas from different parents. This is all a learning game and I love to learn. I didn't take her opinion as a criticism of my own parenting... I really thought we were just sharing our current parenting challenges. She actually got up, pissed off, and left the snack room. WTF?
Case in point #2: Time-outs. We have started time-outs with Elizabeth. Is this easy? Hell, no! I often have to stand/sit right by her to teach her the concept that she is to stay in the time-out spot until she's calmer. But it has to start some time. I didn't have to do this with William because it was his daycare provider who had to deal with this the most and she had the advantage of peer pressure. William saw the older kids in time-out and when he had to start having them, understood where it was and that he was to sit and stay there. But I felt it was time to start "removing" Elizabeth from the situation when she is freaking out and/or taking her frustration out on another child so that eventually she will learn that this is what time out is for. Repetition is the best teacher and I've found so far that it helps to start young. But another mom recently informed me that it was a waste of time to start to young because "she won't get it yet." But I feel like if I wait much longer, I'm just teaching her that she doesn't have to listen to me and then I'll have to unteach her that. Am I wrong? Am I weird?
Case in point #3: eating and drinking. I gave up nursing and bottles when Elizabeth hit 1 year. I didn't want to use sippy cups so I just went straight to open cups and cups with straws. I just really didn't want to have to wean her off of sippy cups if I could avoid it because bottle/breast weaning was truly enough work, thank you. So now at 18 months Elizabeth can drink from a cup. This is not an "accomplishment" thing for me... it's just easier. I'm not constantly worried about having the right kind of cup with me when I'm out. I'm also working on utensils. I'm not mandating it on all foods now, but I really am encouraging that over using her hands just so that she can get the hang of it. The effort has paid off so far as she can feed herself yogurt, oatmeal and applesauce and is starting to really understand how to stab the food with the fork. Again, this is not about "accomplishment", but about ease. I feel it will be easier to teach her now than to have to unteach something because the older she gets the longer her memory is and the more "habits" she already forms. A mom today, though, made me feel like I was somehow shortchanging Elizabeth and our bonding time by not nursing anymore and like I was some kind of unkind taskmaster. Am I? I'm really starting to question my methods here.
Lastly, #4, using her words. Elizabeth can say quite a bit now, so I'm wanting to teach her to use the words she knows to communicate what she wants. It's not like I get angry or punish her or refuse to help/teach/pick-up, etc. when she doesn't, it's just that I figure repetition will teach her how to ask for what she wants. So when she stands by the fridge screaming, I merely repeat the phrase "milk please" as I go to get it. When she wants down from the table, I repeat "down please" (well, repeated, she knows this one already) while getting her down. Today at Tiny Tots (indoor playground), every time she got stuck in a toy car, house, etc. I merely repeated, "help please" while I taught her how to extricate herself and she began saying it too. This method has taught her to say, "up please" when she wants up, "eat please" when she's hungry and "thank you" when I give her something. When a fellow Tiny Tot mom commented that my children had very good manners today her friend a little later asked her (thinking I was out of earshot) "is it really manners if they don't know what they're saying yet?" I went from feeling really proud of my kids to wondering again if I was too harsh.
Perhaps I'm just paranoid. Perhaps I'm just sticking to antiquated ideas from my mom's culture. I was raised by a baby-sitter, a mom and grandparents who were Dutch-Indo immigrants who believed that children are to learn to say please and never start a sentence with "I want." I was raised by people who believed it was better to teach a habit earlier rather than later and "explain" the reasoning later, even if the action was already in place. I was raised by what I suppose is the antithesis to today's "attachment parenting" method because children slept in their own rooms from early infancy. They learned to contribute as age allowed even if it meant their "chore" was just putting a toy back in the closet when they were done. They learned that it was okay to have opinions as long as they were expressed politely and that mom or dad still had the right to say "no." They (like my own kids) learned to follow a schedule when it came to napping, eating and bed because kids can't recognize they're tired or hungry until it's often too late.
I get down in the dirt and play with my kids at the park. I stay for an extra lullabye or two or read an extra bed-time story because it makes them happy and because I can. I eat meals with them, I try to save all my chores for when they're asleep so they have as much of my attention as possible. I try to set the example on proper eating, speaking, etc. to the point of taking a time out when I slip up and cuss. I feel like my kids are secure, social, fun and bright. So I feel like I'm a good mom most of the time. But there are those moments... those teaching moments where parents differ (and I think it's OKAY to differ, I know my friends and I weren't all raised the same and we all get along) that I begin to doubt. I think it's just my fear of being "different" (something I'm working on in therapy, actually) that perhaps makes me hyper-conscious of other's comments. Perhaps that lady wasn't really mad when she left the snack room and the one who was questioning manners was just really asking a question and not criticizing my parenting. Hmmm...
Do all parents go through this? Do all parents wonder if perhaps they are the weirdos on the block? I don't know. The good news is.. I feel better just writing it all down. I'll throw my fears out to the blogosphere and continue on my merry way. Whew. Thanks for listening... now, "may I be excused?" :)
You see, Elizabeth (at 18 months) has hit a very crucial age (at least to me) for some beginner discipline and manners training. But I see other parents looking at me (and some even braving a comment) as though I've sprouted another head or come from another planet.
Case in point: the table. We eat at our table and we eat together. No toys, no "walking while grazing"... we sit and eat together as a family. This doesn't mean we don't laugh, have fun or talk to each other. Dinner is lively in our house and I love it this way. However, this is not an easy concept to teach to an 18 month old, but we did it with William and have been pleased with the results, so I'm starting with Elizabeth. When she is finished, she already knows to say "down please" if she wants to be excused. She used to be able to get down as soon as she was finished and said this magic phrase, but now I answer with "not yet, we're eating as a family." When we did this with William, it took a week of him screaming at the table for 20-30 minutes and then he got it. He now NEVER gets down until he is excused. So far, Elizabeth is showing some discomfort, but no screaming. However, I was at our local indoor-playground (necessary in Oregon) co-op and did this and was greeted with some very unusual looks by two other parents who were in the snack room with me. Now... I am not judging their own method/timing in table manners; to each his own. But one parent actually "huffed" a little and said, "at this point I'm just letting her (her daughter who is 22 months old) walk around and eat because there is no point in making them sit." I merely responded with, "ah, well we just decided we were going to start working on the staying-at-the-table thing now since we did with her brother and after a week of him screaming, he's been great, so we're ready to make the same sacrifice with her." Now, I did not say this defensively or like my idea was better. I love hearing different ideas from different parents. This is all a learning game and I love to learn. I didn't take her opinion as a criticism of my own parenting... I really thought we were just sharing our current parenting challenges. She actually got up, pissed off, and left the snack room. WTF?
Case in point #2: Time-outs. We have started time-outs with Elizabeth. Is this easy? Hell, no! I often have to stand/sit right by her to teach her the concept that she is to stay in the time-out spot until she's calmer. But it has to start some time. I didn't have to do this with William because it was his daycare provider who had to deal with this the most and she had the advantage of peer pressure. William saw the older kids in time-out and when he had to start having them, understood where it was and that he was to sit and stay there. But I felt it was time to start "removing" Elizabeth from the situation when she is freaking out and/or taking her frustration out on another child so that eventually she will learn that this is what time out is for. Repetition is the best teacher and I've found so far that it helps to start young. But another mom recently informed me that it was a waste of time to start to young because "she won't get it yet." But I feel like if I wait much longer, I'm just teaching her that she doesn't have to listen to me and then I'll have to unteach her that. Am I wrong? Am I weird?
Case in point #3: eating and drinking. I gave up nursing and bottles when Elizabeth hit 1 year. I didn't want to use sippy cups so I just went straight to open cups and cups with straws. I just really didn't want to have to wean her off of sippy cups if I could avoid it because bottle/breast weaning was truly enough work, thank you. So now at 18 months Elizabeth can drink from a cup. This is not an "accomplishment" thing for me... it's just easier. I'm not constantly worried about having the right kind of cup with me when I'm out. I'm also working on utensils. I'm not mandating it on all foods now, but I really am encouraging that over using her hands just so that she can get the hang of it. The effort has paid off so far as she can feed herself yogurt, oatmeal and applesauce and is starting to really understand how to stab the food with the fork. Again, this is not about "accomplishment", but about ease. I feel it will be easier to teach her now than to have to unteach something because the older she gets the longer her memory is and the more "habits" she already forms. A mom today, though, made me feel like I was somehow shortchanging Elizabeth and our bonding time by not nursing anymore and like I was some kind of unkind taskmaster. Am I? I'm really starting to question my methods here.
Lastly, #4, using her words. Elizabeth can say quite a bit now, so I'm wanting to teach her to use the words she knows to communicate what she wants. It's not like I get angry or punish her or refuse to help/teach/pick-up, etc. when she doesn't, it's just that I figure repetition will teach her how to ask for what she wants. So when she stands by the fridge screaming, I merely repeat the phrase "milk please" as I go to get it. When she wants down from the table, I repeat "down please" (well, repeated, she knows this one already) while getting her down. Today at Tiny Tots (indoor playground), every time she got stuck in a toy car, house, etc. I merely repeated, "help please" while I taught her how to extricate herself and she began saying it too. This method has taught her to say, "up please" when she wants up, "eat please" when she's hungry and "thank you" when I give her something. When a fellow Tiny Tot mom commented that my children had very good manners today her friend a little later asked her (thinking I was out of earshot) "is it really manners if they don't know what they're saying yet?" I went from feeling really proud of my kids to wondering again if I was too harsh.
Perhaps I'm just paranoid. Perhaps I'm just sticking to antiquated ideas from my mom's culture. I was raised by a baby-sitter, a mom and grandparents who were Dutch-Indo immigrants who believed that children are to learn to say please and never start a sentence with "I want." I was raised by people who believed it was better to teach a habit earlier rather than later and "explain" the reasoning later, even if the action was already in place. I was raised by what I suppose is the antithesis to today's "attachment parenting" method because children slept in their own rooms from early infancy. They learned to contribute as age allowed even if it meant their "chore" was just putting a toy back in the closet when they were done. They learned that it was okay to have opinions as long as they were expressed politely and that mom or dad still had the right to say "no." They (like my own kids) learned to follow a schedule when it came to napping, eating and bed because kids can't recognize they're tired or hungry until it's often too late.
I get down in the dirt and play with my kids at the park. I stay for an extra lullabye or two or read an extra bed-time story because it makes them happy and because I can. I eat meals with them, I try to save all my chores for when they're asleep so they have as much of my attention as possible. I try to set the example on proper eating, speaking, etc. to the point of taking a time out when I slip up and cuss. I feel like my kids are secure, social, fun and bright. So I feel like I'm a good mom most of the time. But there are those moments... those teaching moments where parents differ (and I think it's OKAY to differ, I know my friends and I weren't all raised the same and we all get along) that I begin to doubt. I think it's just my fear of being "different" (something I'm working on in therapy, actually) that perhaps makes me hyper-conscious of other's comments. Perhaps that lady wasn't really mad when she left the snack room and the one who was questioning manners was just really asking a question and not criticizing my parenting. Hmmm...
Do all parents go through this? Do all parents wonder if perhaps they are the weirdos on the block? I don't know. The good news is.. I feel better just writing it all down. I'll throw my fears out to the blogosphere and continue on my merry way. Whew. Thanks for listening... now, "may I be excused?" :)
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