Here we go again...

So I've discovered, like I did with William, that apparently I'm just a different creature as a mother. I do things at different times or in different ways than most moms and I get some very curious looks/comments because of it. But this is me, I can't help it. No one gave me a manual on raising kids... so I'm going with what I know. But I'm starting to wonder... am I doing this wrong? Am I too harsh? Will I turn my children into stressed out little perfectionists like myself? Hmmmm. Not sure. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Who knows.

You see, Elizabeth (at 18 months) has hit a very crucial age (at least to me) for some beginner discipline and manners training. But I see other parents looking at me (and some even braving a comment) as though I've sprouted another head or come from another planet.

Case in point: the table. We eat at our table and we eat together. No toys, no "walking while grazing"... we sit and eat together as a family. This doesn't mean we don't laugh, have fun or talk to each other. Dinner is lively in our house and I love it this way. However, this is not an easy concept to teach to an 18 month old, but we did it with William and have been pleased with the results, so I'm starting with Elizabeth. When she is finished, she already knows to say "down please" if she wants to be excused. She used to be able to get down as soon as she was finished and said this magic phrase, but now I answer with "not yet, we're eating as a family." When we did this with William, it took a week of him screaming at the table for 20-30 minutes and then he got it. He now NEVER gets down until he is excused. So far, Elizabeth is showing some discomfort, but no screaming. However, I was at our local indoor-playground (necessary in Oregon) co-op and did this and was greeted with some very unusual looks by two other parents who were in the snack room with me. Now... I am not judging their own method/timing in table manners; to each his own. But one parent actually "huffed" a little and said, "at this point I'm just letting her (her daughter who is 22 months old) walk around and eat because there is no point in making them sit." I merely responded with, "ah, well we just decided we were going to start working on the staying-at-the-table thing now since we did with her brother and after a week of him screaming, he's been great, so we're ready to make the same sacrifice with her." Now, I did not say this defensively or like my idea was better. I love hearing different ideas from different parents. This is all a learning game and I love to learn. I didn't take her opinion as a criticism of my own parenting... I really thought we were just sharing our current parenting challenges. She actually got up, pissed off, and left the snack room. WTF?

Case in point #2: Time-outs. We have started time-outs with Elizabeth. Is this easy? Hell, no! I often have to stand/sit right by her to teach her the concept that she is to stay in the time-out spot until she's calmer. But it has to start some time. I didn't have to do this with William because it was his daycare provider who had to deal with this the most and she had the advantage of peer pressure. William saw the older kids in time-out and when he had to start having them, understood where it was and that he was to sit and stay there. But I felt it was time to start "removing" Elizabeth from the situation when she is freaking out and/or taking her frustration out on another child so that eventually she will learn that this is what time out is for. Repetition is the best teacher and I've found so far that it helps to start young. But another mom recently informed me that it was a waste of time to start to young because "she won't get it yet." But I feel like if I wait much longer, I'm just teaching her that she doesn't have to listen to me and then I'll have to unteach her that. Am I wrong? Am I weird?

Case in point #3: eating and drinking. I gave up nursing and bottles when Elizabeth hit 1 year. I didn't want to use sippy cups so I just went straight to open cups and cups with straws. I just really didn't want to have to wean her off of sippy cups if I could avoid it because bottle/breast weaning was truly enough work, thank you. So now at 18 months Elizabeth can drink from a cup. This is not an "accomplishment" thing for me... it's just easier. I'm not constantly worried about having the right kind of cup with me when I'm out. I'm also working on utensils. I'm not mandating it on all foods now, but I really am encouraging that over using her hands just so that she can get the hang of it. The effort has paid off so far as she can feed herself yogurt, oatmeal and applesauce and is starting to really understand how to stab the food with the fork. Again, this is not about "accomplishment", but about ease. I feel it will be easier to teach her now than to have to unteach something because the older she gets the longer her memory is and the more "habits" she already forms. A mom today, though, made me feel like I was somehow shortchanging Elizabeth and our bonding time by not nursing anymore and like I was some kind of unkind taskmaster. Am I? I'm really starting to question my methods here.

Lastly, #4, using her words. Elizabeth can say quite a bit now, so I'm wanting to teach her to use the words she knows to communicate what she wants. It's not like I get angry or punish her or refuse to help/teach/pick-up, etc. when she doesn't, it's just that I figure repetition will teach her how to ask for what she wants. So when she stands by the fridge screaming, I merely repeat the phrase "milk please" as I go to get it. When she wants down from the table, I repeat "down please" (well, repeated, she knows this one already) while getting her down. Today at Tiny Tots (indoor playground), every time she got stuck in a toy car, house, etc. I merely repeated, "help please" while I taught her how to extricate herself and she began saying it too. This method has taught her to say, "up please" when she wants up, "eat please" when she's hungry and "thank you" when I give her something. When a fellow Tiny Tot mom commented that my children had very good manners today her friend a little later asked her (thinking I was out of earshot) "is it really manners if they don't know what they're saying yet?" I went from feeling really proud of my kids to wondering again if I was too harsh.

Perhaps I'm just paranoid. Perhaps I'm just sticking to antiquated ideas from my mom's culture. I was raised by a baby-sitter, a mom and grandparents who were Dutch-Indo immigrants who believed that children are to learn to say please and never start a sentence with "I want." I was raised by people who believed it was better to teach a habit earlier rather than later and "explain" the reasoning later, even if the action was already in place. I was raised by what I suppose is the antithesis to today's "attachment parenting" method because children slept in their own rooms from early infancy. They learned to contribute as age allowed even if it meant their "chore" was just putting a toy back in the closet when they were done. They learned that it was okay to have opinions as long as they were expressed politely and that mom or dad still had the right to say "no." They (like my own kids) learned to follow a schedule when it came to napping, eating and bed because kids can't recognize they're tired or hungry until it's often too late.

I get down in the dirt and play with my kids at the park. I stay for an extra lullabye or two or read an extra bed-time story because it makes them happy and because I can. I eat meals with them, I try to save all my chores for when they're asleep so they have as much of my attention as possible. I try to set the example on proper eating, speaking, etc. to the point of taking a time out when I slip up and cuss. I feel like my kids are secure, social, fun and bright. So I feel like I'm a good mom most of the time. But there are those moments... those teaching moments where parents differ (and I think it's OKAY to differ, I know my friends and I weren't all raised the same and we all get along) that I begin to doubt. I think it's just my fear of being "different" (something I'm working on in therapy, actually) that perhaps makes me hyper-conscious of other's comments. Perhaps that lady wasn't really mad when she left the snack room and the one who was questioning manners was just really asking a question and not criticizing my parenting. Hmmm...

Do all parents go through this? Do all parents wonder if perhaps they are the weirdos on the block? I don't know. The good news is.. I feel better just writing it all down. I'll throw my fears out to the blogosphere and continue on my merry way. Whew. Thanks for listening... now, "may I be excused?" :)